[:en]Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter – however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you’ve ever learned about the opposite sex a�� is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if shea��d sleep with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That’s 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.
Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men dona��t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, Ia��ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a womana��s 8.3 second barrier.
* Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit and asked the same question.
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES
MERCENARY a�� Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a womana��s first thought will be, a�?Now herea��s a man who can protect me,a�? followed quickly with her second thought, a�?Ia��d like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man.a�?
VETERINARIAN a�� A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any woman to sleep with you. Why? Because therea��s nothing sexier to a woman than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies.
ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER a�� Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the a�?Def Lepparda�? patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night.
L. L. COOL J a�� Ladies love Cool James.
ARTIST a�� Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly youa��re the sensitive guy a�� which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.
HAIR STYLIST a�� Throw on a T-shirt two sizes too small for you, grab a hair dryer and an issue of Cosmo, and when you walk into a bar EVERY woman will want to be with you.
ESCAPED CONVICT a�� Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and youa��ll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).[:]