[:en]Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can’t improve myself — hard to top awesome — I can help others improve.
Dear Uncle Barney,
My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I’m adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about up-coming video games. I’d love to tell her something so she’ll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about “sharing” my emotions.
There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one’s emotions. I call them the 3 D’s: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.
DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for “I am revealing the secret depths of my soul,” so it doesn’t have to be about appetizers — any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.
DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there’s so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.
DEATHBED: Since it’s really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions…anything you’ve kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death…play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).
- Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.
- Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.