[:en]I WAS THERE
Speculation has surfaced over whether or not I a�� Barney Stinson a�� was present during a legendary night out. My response: Does Hefa��s smoking jacket smell like fine cigars and strawberry lube? Of course! My one and only rule* is that if something awesome happened, I a�� Barney Stinson a�� was there. So therea��s no further confusion on the subject, let me list a few other events that I most certainly witnessed firsthand:
Baby Marvina��s Conception a�� I woulda��ve gone reverse side-saddle, but whatever gets the job done.
The Time Ted Got a Tramp Stamp – I did not miss this epic moment. I was present for the whole thing and definitely not banging whatever-her-name-was reverse side-saddle in the back of a taxi.
The Time Robin Kissed Lily in the Bathroom at a High School Prom – There was tongue. Lots of it. But if they ever want to do it again and maybe let me film it, thata��s cool, too.
The a�?Leta��s Go to the Malla�? Video Shoot a�� Sadly, ita��s been cut from the final video, but I had an awesome scene where I fought the robot. And won.
Teda��s Eagle Scout Ceremony a�� Ha, ha. Totally JK. I was not there.
Teda��s Conception a�� Hello, 1970a��s Virginia. Leta��s do the hustle, indeed.
13.7 Billion B.C.
The Birth of the Universe a�� Come on, would I miss the biggest bang of all time?
* Never bet on a team from Cleveland. If your country doesna��t manufacture at least one car then ita��s not a country. Never attend a ballet. If it was recorded after 1991 ita��s not a good song. Dona��t go over to a broa��s place for a�?beers and bratsa�? a�� there wona��t be any chicks there. Never read a book with more than 250 pages. Traffic laws do not apply when driving a rental car. Never hit on a military mana��s girlfrienda�� unless shea��s clearly begging for it, or like, super hot. If a chick says shea��s only looking for a good time, get it in writing. Never trust a dude who can play the mandolin. Always look both ways before crossing the street. Never agree to meet someonea��s friend who is described as a�?full of lifea�? a�� that means shea��s over 300 pounds. Never wear jeans to a strip club. Avoid tall chicks. When youa��re attending a frienda��s birthday at a bar, always a�?forgeta�? to bring your wallet. When questioned by authorities, your name is Theodore Mosby. Never pass up an opportunity to use a pun. If you cana��t use your hands, it isna��t a sport. Only idiots purchase extended warranties. Always ask before trying to high-five the President. Reusable grocery bags are for sissies. Never lend your hirsute neighbor your hedge trimmers. At the airport, choose the X-ray belt with the fastest security agents, not the shortest line. Always shout a�?Cannonball!a�? before entering a pool or other body of water. No matter how many boobs the HBO version of the book shows, ita��s still super dorky. Never register for a class with a lab component. Never date a chick with more than two pets. If you have to go to court, wear a robe and magistratea��s wig to throw the judge off his game. Never eat an animal that can water ski. If something awesome happened, I a�� Barney Stinson – was there.[:]